Fifty Shades Freed
Directed By: James Foley
Written By: Niall Leonard & E.L. James
Runtime: 105 Minutes
50 Shades Of Grey To be honest, I actually cried watching this movie. What you didn’t? But it’s such a good love story!
Nope. Definitely not any of that. If I was to shed a tear, it’s because the greatest comedic trilogy of all time has come to an end. The two hour ‘diamonds are forever’ jewelry commercial has finally come to an end. Tell all the housewives they are gonna need tissues.
The ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ trilogy makes a movie like ‘The Room’ look not so bad.
I wrote a very serious review of the very first ‘Fifty Shades’ film. But this movie was BS so the review is also kind of BS. Garbage in, Garbage Out. All three of the films are EXACTLY the same. If you want a serious review, follow the link here: https://www.pauldoyleworld.com/50-shades-of-grey.html
It’s supposed to be a female empowerment story. The strong man that is taken by the woman who then performs the “you gotta train your man” ancient art of ‘Oprah.’ She keeps her own last name, she works her job that is very important to her (that she hardly ever goes to); she is an individual - she is empowered. That is great! Except that Grey owns her publishing company, gave her the job, put her in the position of power; going from lowly secretary to senior editor? Please. That’s like Paris Hilton’s music career.
The real message about the ‘Fifty Shades’ trilogy is that having money is awesome. Money allows you to take vacation whenever, have custom made holders for each individual vibrator you own, and to not take any responsibility or have any real skill. Money makes your feminism and personal goals go away. It’s easier to just be rich and bone. The ‘Fifty Shades’ trilogy is the new American dream and that is to own everything that moves. They never say in any of the movies what Christian Grey actually does. His job is to have money. I was actually trying to think of things that he didn’t own. It’s like whatever he is on, he owns it. This boat, this jet ski, this private jet - where’s your submarine at bro?
This movie is just one percenters having sex in various places. It’s like a Dr. Suess book: “Can you fuck me in a train, can you fuck me in a plane? Can you fuck me on a moose? Can you fuck me with this goose? A good storyline for this film about first world problems should be about how a woman accuses Christian Grey of sexual assault and then Anastasia tries to decide whether or not to stay with him as he pays out half of his fortune to shut everyone up Bill Cosby style. Because these characters are so ridiculous, and situations like this would never happen in the real world. When you are that rich, people just want DAT MONEY! So what’s really at stake for Mrs. Grey? They divorce, he fires her from her high up job (because she’s unqualified), her life goes into ruin - and he comes out literally unscathed. A lot is at stake for her - so she locks him in with a kid. That may sound sexist, but for a movie that is supposed to fight against the stereotype of a woman being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen; SHE STILL ENDS UP BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT IN THE KITCHEN! The only thing missing was her making him a sandwich after sex (Director’s Cut!). The film is blatantly sexist towards both men and women.
Which leads me to ask: who is this movie for? In what world is any of this relatable? Like where is the girl that’s like “ugh guys with yachts are such douchebags!” If this is what a woman wants, what guy has any chance? If a submissive woman is what a man really wants, what woman would put up with any of this? None of this makes any sense. There is a scene that perfectly encapsulates the film: where Christian Grey is supposed to be making dinner and they cut to a close up to what he is making and he is just swirling red sauce around on a plate. Cause haha men can’t cook! What ridiculously gender black/white planet does this exist on? It’s all just swirling red sauce around pretending.
Despite the ridiculous plot and the bad acting, the one thing good about the ‘Fifty’ (g-unit) franchise is that for whatever reason, it brings couples together. Because this is not a movie for men. This is like the women’s version of ‘Batman.’ It’s a fantasy. So going with your lady to watch a “her” movie versus a “you” movie wins you points, regardless of whether or not you were forced to go or came willingly. Christian Grey is the perfect guy, so perfect that a real hard working man, will never add up. But your girl may see traits of the perfect guy in you, so you should take her to see it and enjoy what life has been holding out on you.